armadillo facts

2006-07-07T17:04:00.000Z

ACTING 'N' THAT - A RESPONSE
Dear Sir,
I read with much interest your thoughts on the acting profession and believe your readers might be interested in my story. I started out as an actor and, after a couple of lean years where I supplemented my income by guesting in countless hardcore porn films and mugging children, I began to make real progress. I appeared in Juliet Bravo, Yes Prime Minister and toured the north east in a self-penned one-man show entitled Look Mr Bates, It's salmon or nothing. It was a highly satirical restaurant based farce which employed metaphor to convey my feeling of abandonment by Margaret Thatcher and her government. The Middlesborough Bugle was gracious enough to call it "unintentionally hilarious". During these halcyon days there was always a nagging voice telling me that my true vocation was as a highly paid, pampered professional footballer. After a few months of indecision I finally bit the bullet and I'm now pleased to report that I finished 4th highest goal-scorer in the premier league and I enjoy the company of a different tart every night.
Yours Truly,
Marlon Harewood (West Ham United)

P.S - You can few highlights of my previous career in hardcore and slightly nauseating porn films by visiting www.marlonharewoodspreviouscareerinhardcoreandslightlynauseatingpornfilms.com/forwardslash

ACTING 'N' THAT - A RESPONSE - A RESPONSE.

Dear Mr Harewood,
I felt I needed to respond to your uplifting letter (posted above) as it rang so many bells of recognition for me. I too felt a calling to fulfil a long-held ambition. Upon leaving school I had precious little focus and was unsure which exit to take on the motorway of life. After taking valuable advice from many trusted friends and family I was persuaded to take any position available at the local job centre to keep myself busy whilst ruminating to what career to ultimately pursue. Begrudgingly I accepted the vacant position as a Hollywood superstar. The pay was certainly competitve (starting at £5 million a picture) and the perks (including bimbos, lear jets and class A drugs) were tempting to a 16 year old, fresh-faced lad. I managed to hold the job for over a year before the cracks began to show. The final straw came when my last movie failed to break the $10 million barrier on bank holiday weekend. All through this time there was the nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that fate had something more rewarding in store for me. I was being fellated by a 17 year old Candy in my winnabago when my moment of inspiration came - I threw Candy by one side and cried out "WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS PLUMB!" Ever since my small boyhood I've had a fascination with taps and u-bends but I never in my wildest dreams thought it possible that I could actually make a living from unblocking toilets and fleecing pensioners out of their hard-earned life savings. But now all my dreams have become reality and I'm proud to say I own a small plumbing and handyman business in the west Midlands area. I even have my own van and a mobile phone!
Yours
Kevin Lovely,
The west Midlands area.

2006-06-02T21:36:00.000Z

ACTORS 'N' THAT.
Until recently I was scratching a living as an actor (last year I was in EastEnders, really I was. I played a mate of Alfie's who dresses up as a policeman to arrest Alfie's mam - it was hilarious!) and I'm still on nodding terms with many professional thespians. Most of them are highly talented and eminently castable. Their common problem seems to be the lack of opportunity to biuld a career. This usually leads to a rapid descent into the black world of bitterness and depression, followed by alcohol or drug dependency and a life of watching daytime TV and climaxing ina miserable, lonely and tragically early death in a bedsit somewhere in east London. To my untrained eye of avoidance of this pitiful fate in straightforward. The choices are many and varied:
1) Become a reality TV 'star' who, as the 14th minute of fame decides, "What I really want to do is act"
2) Become a professional footballer who, as his knees start to give decides "What I really want to do is act"
3) Become a stand-up comedian who, as his act starts to go stale decides "What I really want to do is act"
4) Become a topless model who, as the threep'ees start to descend decides "What I really want to do is act"
5) Become a pixillated cartoon of yourself.
6) Whore yourself by going to every advert casting for some crap product you would never use for ethical reasons.
7) Get a proper job.

2006-05-24T15:11:00.000Z

CALUM - SIMPLY THE BEST
I have a huge admiration for the work of Calum Best. The selfless way he sacrificed his own career and happiness to secure India’s independence from the British was truly a magnificent feat. He was jailed and beaten for his beliefs on a number of occasions but even that couldn’t deflect him from his burning passion to insure justice for a great and peaceful nation. Men of his ilk are rarely seen upon this earth and we, as a race, should be proud to walk the same ground as this colossus of human dignity who almost single-handedly change altered the moral landscape of the world……. Ah…no…….hang on, I’m thinking of Hahatma Gandhi. Calum Best on the other hand, is a professional celebrity who spends the majority of his time falling out of nightclubs in the early hours of the morning in a cocaine fuelled haze with his arm around some vacuous, large-breasted trollop.

Dear Sir,
Having read your posting (published above) I left duty bound to reply in empathy for your plight. I also have the unfortunate habit of muddling visionary beacons of world peace with minor celebrities. A number of years ago I had completed a four page letter of tribute to Mother Teresa and was standing over the postbox having just dropped my letter when it dawned on me that I had mistakenly addressed it to Abi Titmuss. Luckily Miss Titmuss was able to appreciate the funny side. I apologized to her for my ineptitude and wished her the best of luck in displaying her breasts, performing in homemade, hardcore porn flicks, shagging fellow minor celebrities, whoring herself on any TV show that would take her and generally doing nothing in her life of any value whatsoever.
Yours truly,
Margaret Planktum
Stoke.

Dear Miss Planktum,
I suffer from the same, unfortunate affliction. As a huge fan of the pop group Blue. I like to regularly write to Duncan James to tell him how much I appreciate their music and how it speaks directly to me, giving me some kind of understanding of this mad mad world. I particularly like Duncan because he seems the most approachable member of the band. I love his fashion sense, his haircuts and his cheeky smile. I’m also very partial to his cockney accent (even though he was bought up in the country somewhere) Many see him as a vain, essentially talentless, pointless, perma-tanned little twat who should be put down, but not me – I love him. My devotion has reached such an extent that I have undergone extensive plastic surgery to look like him, I have named all my children Duncan (I have three girls) I have smeared his name in blood on every item in my house and painted a large mural in the garden of his perfectly proportioned face. I have also bought a large area of wasteland near my house with the intention of building a seven-acre shrine in his honour (complete with parking facilities, a Blue burger bar and a crèche). Imagine my embarrassment then, when I realized I’d been addressing all these correspondences not to Duncan at all but Sir Bob Geldof, who is, of course famous for trying to eradicate starvation from the world by galvanizing public opinion and pressuring world leaders into policy change and not for singing inane pap and trying to pass his existence on this planet off as in some way important.
Yours,
Anthony Tarnish
Somerset.

2006-05-10T18:09:00.000Z

DARIUS DANESH - MUSICAL GENIUS
Regular readers of this crap blog will need no reminding of how much I respect and admire the multi-talented performer Darius Danesh (any foriegn readers who are unaware of Dr Danesh - imagine someone with the songwritings talents of John Lennon blended with the on-stage charisma of a young Elvis and the rebelious attitude of James Dean - then imagine the opposite)
I was almost moved to tears last year by the way he managed to endure a grueling publicity tour for his latest crap song even though his father was seriously ill at the time with a life-threatening and usually fatal disease. It was truly humbling. Although it was evidently a deeply personal and upsetting period of his life he somehow managed to fight back the tears and only mention his father's condition about 17 times in every fucking interview he gave. He emphasized how it had strengthened the family bond and made him appreciate his nearest and dearest that little bit more. It certainly persuaded me to shell out for the single, album, DVD, t-shirt, poster, mouse mat, tea cup, pin badge and fan club membership.

P.S - His father made a miraculous recovery soon after and Darius has since moved to Los Angeles.

Please feel free to nominate your favourite celebrity twat.

2006-05-02T16:01:00.000Z

LIFE IS A ROLLER-COASTER.
There is nothing I like to do more in my spare time than maiming minor celebrities. So far I have shot Ronan Keating, head-butted Dame Kiri Te Kanawa and stabbed Sir Trevor McDonald in the neck with a pencil. Do any other bloggers have unusual hobbies?

2006-04-25T15:19:00.000Z

JEFFREY ARCHER - A TRIBUTE.
Tributes have been trickling in for ex conservative M.P, writer and erstwhile actor Jeffrey Archer who is tragically still alive at the age of 64. He was discovered in the early hours of the morning by his personal assistant Heather (27) and was pronounced still alive upon his arrival at the kitchen. Although world renowned for his sharp political mind and business acumen Lord Archer likes to keep his acts of philanthropy out of the public arena. He once, for example, gave a prostitute a brown envelope full of money in the hope that it would enable her to pursue a life away from the streets. He also gave of his time to judge short story competitions and would routinely use the best ideas in his own books, thus shielding any novice authors from the glaring gaze of the media spotlight and the inevitable riches accompanying a bestseller. The highlight of his existence thus far came in 1998 when he became a lord, partly due to his services to lying. John Major said - "This is indeed a sad day. I can only hope that people take some solace in the fact that this mournful situation will one day change". Peter Andrex added, "Although I have never met Lord Archer I feel drawn to his aura. That fact that he is still alive at least means he can buy my new single which is released on the 15th May and is available at all minor record shops". Wigan Athletic's rampaging right wing-back Pascal Chimbonda was too distressed to talk last night but in a statement released by his publicist said, "Armadillos can be housebroken. In that respect they share something in common with dogs and parrots".
Lord Archer has a wife and two sons who have asked the media to respect their privacy in what must be a trying time for all concerned. They also wanted it known that the average shoe size for a male human is 9.
Please feel free to sign the book of condolence.

2006-04-09T10:38:00.000Z

HOLLYWOOD HERE I COME.
I've spent the majority of the weekend feverously working on my screenplay. I probably shouldn't go into too many details as I know bloggers have the reputation of being thieving scum but, on this occasion, I'm prepared to trust you. Please be warned that if anyone does steal any of the ideas I will be forced to take legal action.
The premis centres around an asexual orthodontist called Martin Banana who must travel through time in search of a cure for his sister's halitosis. His efforts are constantly stymied by his arch nemesis and rival orthodontist Dr Lucian Ankle. They studied together and were great friends until they had a fierce argument about the relative values of Aran knitwear and have been sworn enemies ever since. Martin Banana is a maverick who doesn't play by the rules. For example, in one scene he refuses to examine the teeth of an old age pensioner until she can prove her claim that she is eligable for free treatment under the NHS. The finale will be a high speed milk float chase through the streets of Cockfosters with Martin Banana (who has had his legs amputated in an earlier scene) having to drive the milk float, fire bullets at Dr Ankle and keep the halitosis serum from dropping below room temperature.
I've just finished the first draft and I'm confident that, after a bit of polishing, I could have a potential Oscar winner on my hands. It would certainly be a big disappointment if it wasn't nominated.
P.S - I've yet to come up with an appropriate title so all suggestions are welcome. I did consider 'The Time-travelling Adventures of Martin Banana and his battle with arch nemisis Dr Lucian Ankle (an orthodontist)' but I'm not convinced it's quite snappy enough for the american market. Any thoughts?

2006-04-07T12:48:00.000Z

THE NEWS - AS IT BREAKS.
Princess Diana - Still dead!
I've managed to get hold of some leaked governement documents suggesting that Princess Diana may still be dead. They allege that she died following a car crash in a Paris subway in 1997 when her driver was pissed up and that she hasn't been seen since.
After some further digging I was shoked to discover there may be some validity to these allegations. One website I visited even suggested that she may well have at one time been married to royalty and have given birth to two sons who are in direct line to the throne of Great Britain!
I subsequently journeyed straight to Buckingham palace to try and get some royal reaction. The Queen herself was unavailable for comment due to a hangover. I did. however, manage to catch a word with an armed policeman who was patrolling the gates. He said, and I quote:
"Of course she's still f***ing dead you mental c***. She died years ago." When I tried to push him further he replied: "Listen to me you little twat, you are seriously pushing my f***ing patience. Now why don't you put some f***ing trousers on and f*** off before I have you arrested". By this time he had me in a headlock and was continually punching me in the face so I thought it best to abort the interview there but rest assured dear readers that I will not be deterred from my quest to uncover the truth where-ever it may lie.
NEXT WEEK - Pressure grows on pope to admit catholicism.
and
Watch exclusive footage of bear shitting in woods.

2006-04-05T21:42:00.000Z

MARTIN KEMP IN FAKE HEAD SHOCK!
According to my reliable sources there is very little truth in the internet based rumour that ex Spandau Ballet and EastEnders star Martin Kemp has had his head surgically removed and replaced by a left rear hubcap from a Ford Mondeo with a little smiley face drawn on it. I can confirm however, that he has been in hospital for some minor cosmetic surgery. He has had a bed-side lamp attached to his shoulder to enable him to learn his scripts in bed without disturbing his wife.

2006-04-05T06:47:00.000Z

IT'S OFFICIAL - CRACK IS GOOD FOR YOU.
I attended a party in town on saturday night where one young gentleman was generous enough to introduce me to the delights of crack cocaine. Its terribly more-ish. It was the first time I tried it a now I simply can't get enough of the stuff. For all those unfamiliar with its delights; it fills you with a tremendous sense of euphoria followed by an overpowering feeling of general inadequacy and depression. But not to worry, once the latter emotion hits you you're just about ready for another dose and your mood lifts almost instantaneously. The young gentleman has gone out of his way since to ensure I don't run out. (I find I need a hit at least every 15 minutes or I getting the most dreadful withdrawal syptoms) and although it is proving rather expensive (so far I have sold my house, car and children and have started stealing my grandmother's pension money) it is definitely money well spent. As the saying goes 'Once you've tried crack you don't go back'. The young gentleman has also warned me that if don't pay him every penny owed he will have me shot but I think that's just his wacky sense of humour coming into play. Apparently crack is readily available on every street corner! I feel sooo stupid. If only I'd known sooner. But now that I have experience the wonders of this marvellous creation I feel it would be selfish of me to keep it to myself so, if you'd like some more information on the benefits of crack cocaine or you'd like to enrol your children on one of my two-day introductory courses, please visit:

www.crackcocaineforkids.com

2006-04-04T09:27:00.000Z

COLIN TV.
Another day, another failed business venture. I'm starting to believe my luck is never gonna change and I'm doomed to see out my days as a pointless and slightly smelly non-entity.
I've been struggling for months to get my own T.V channel off the ground but, alas, my plans now lie in ruins. Called COLIN TV, it was to be the only satellite channel in the U.K devoted exclusively at gentlemen called Colin aged between 35 and 40 living in the Hertfordshire area. In my day-to-day live I've met a number of Colin's who all feel they are not properly represented in the media as a whole and television in particular. Its a shocking state of affairs when any minority in society is not allowed a voice and COLIN TV was to be my small contribution towards redressing this inbalance and introducing a debate into the rights of Colins everywhere. Unfortunately the powers that be have decided in their wisdom that, according to their extensive market research, there is not a large enough potential audience to justify the huge initial financial outlay that COLIN TV would require.
Once again the television viewing public are denied the infotainment they deserves due to the absurdity of the ratings war.

2006-04-03T15:45:00.000Z

TWENTY-SEVEN AND A HALF PENCE. (STERLING)
Up until yesterday I had the highest respect for American gansta rapper 50Pence. I admired his unflinching support for feminist issues and loved the way he was able to wear a handkerchief and sideways pointing baseball cap on his head at the same time without looking like a total prick. When he sang "If you find me in da club, come give me a hug" I never for one moment doubted that he meant it but last night I learnt the terrible truth. I saw him propping up the bar at my local nightclub Twinkles so I made a bee-line for him, gave him a bear-hug, kissed him on the lips and playfully tickled his bollocks. Imagine my surprise and shock when he didn't return my affection but instead got four of his friends to drag me into the back alley and beat me to within an inch of my life. Mr Pence, you are a liar and when I regain the use of my fingers I will be writing you a very stern letter.

Dear Mr McGuinness,
I can only apogolize for the violent and cowardly actions of my associates last night. With the benefit of hindsight I can appreciate it was an extreme over-reaction and for that I am truly sorry. However, please rest assured that the motivation was purely honourable. I was deep in conversation with two of my bitches about the relative values of smoking some motherfucking fool when you jumped on me. My first reaction was that I'd been the latest victim of a drive-by hugging. I subsequently reached for my semi-automatic handgun but, upon realising I'd left it it on my bedside table next to the latest edition of The New Statesman, I was left with no alternative but to accept the generous offer of four of my niggaz to drag you out the back and savagely murder you. Not many men would survive being stabbed 27 times, being hit repeatedly with baseball bats, planks of wood and bricks, being run over 8 times and being thrown off Tower Bridge in a weighted-down bin-bag. You are obviously a very courageous and lucky young man and for that I applaud you. It goes without saying that I will contribute to any medical bills this psychotic assault has incurred (I understand you've lost the feeling in 90 per cent of your body and your head has swollen to the size of a medicine ball - poor you xxx)
In the meantime I would be honoured if you would accept my gift of making your house wheelchair accessible and I enclose a signed copy of my C.D The Massacre.
Happy listening and get well soon.
Peace and love,
50Cent.

Dear Mr Pence,
I accept your heartfelt apology and thank you for your concern. The doctors have assured me that I'll only need to wear the full body cast for a maximum of six months and I'll be allowed to eat solid food within the next fortnight so things are definitely looking up.
I would like to take this opportunity to urge you in the future to monitor your lyrical content as gullible fans like myself tend to misunderstand the messages in hip-hop. I have an aquaintence who is still in maximum security prison after taking N.W.A's suggestion to 'Fuck tha Police' a little too literally. If there had been a warning on the record sleeve that buggering enforcers of the law is illegal then maybe he would still have his liberty.
Yours affectionately,
Andrew McGuinness
P.S - I was touched by the inclusion of the C.D. I've played it five times already - so rich and varied - I love it xx

2006-04-03T13:15:00.000Z

LICENSED TO...TRAVEL FOR FREE ON THE BUS AT NON-PEAK TIMES.
I'm greatly encouraged by the news that Wendy Craig has been cast as the new James Bond. Anyone who's familiar with her work on ITV's The Royal and the seminal 70's british sitcoms such as Butterflies can be in no doubt that the natural successor to Pierce Brosnan as finally been found. She is the perfect choice to introduce Bond to a new generation of film fan. She has that steely-eyed stoicism and languid sense of humour that's integral to Ian Fleming's greatest creation and I for one applaud the producer's brave decision. I must admit I haboured some initial concerns with regard to the fact that she's now in her mid-seventies and may struggle with the action scenes but I'm led to believe she's been in the gym beefing up since october last year so I'm sure she'll be in fine physical fettle when principle photography begins. I am literally salivating at the prospect of Ms Craig annoucing the immortal words "My name's Bond. James Bond".
P.S - There is no truth in the internet rumour that Geoffrey Palmer has been cast as Bond's arch nemesis Dr Possibly.

2006-04-02T10:13:00.000Z

BROKEN.
I read a moving interview with ex Busted star Matt Willis where he went into harrowing detail about the living hell he has endured since the band's tragic demise last year. To try and gage public opinion I conducted a straw poll with London's homeless who were all equally shocked and upset by Matt's sad plight. One of them, Dave, said: "I'm equally shocked and upset by Matt's sad plight". I have subsequently gone to the liberty of creating a website in the hope of drumming up some much needed publicity for Matt's heartbreaking situation. To obtain more information and sign the online petition please visit:

www.whingeingselfobsessedgreedypamperedmillionairepopstars.com

P.S - Matt also mentioned his new single, which is probably called The depths of my love or something equally shit, and is released later this month with an album to follow.

2006-04-01T10:03:00.000Z

SATAN IN THE SUPERMARKET.
The Sainsbury's fruit 'n' veg aisle is not a place you would readily expect to come into contact with the agents of pure evil but last night, half way through my bi-weekly shop, I came face to face with a trio of Bin Laden's Al Queada operatives. I was thumbing through the new copy of FHM and ruminating on whether to purchase some chicken dippers when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a vaguely Arabic looking chap with his hand suspiciously delving into the fresh-cut broccoli. It goes without saying that my first instinct was to perform a citizens arrest and I was about to bottle him with a Pinot Grigio when I noticed some Jaffa cakes poking out of his basket. Any fool knows that Jaffa cakes are one of the crucial components used in making crude, home-made explosive devices so I decided to hold fire and follow this monster to see if I could work out his modus operandi and at the same time protect the lives of tens of innocent shoppers. He picked out a particularly bulbous floret (a rudimentary method of signalling to any cohorts in the vacinity) and started striding menacingly towards the fresh fish counter. At this point the full horror of his ungodly plan started unfolding before my eyes. The signal with the broccoli had evidently had the desired effect as he teamed up with his two demonic partners in death. One was dressed as an old woman (complete with Zimmerframe). The other as a small girl and together they formed the personification of the axis of evil. Monster number one started discussing the relative values of haddock with monster number tw0 (In the Islamic dictionary haddock= jihad) I knew I had to act quickly or it would soon descend into another 7/11 situation. With total disregard for my own safety I jumped on the nearest terrorist (the little girl) and smashed her head repeatedly against a glass-fronted fridge containing Chinese ready meals (I know - the irony). This alerted the other two terrorists so I slid across the newly varnished floor and kicked the old woman's Zimmerframe into the air. (For all I knew it could have been booby-trapped) As she started falling I managed to take her out with a rabbit punch to the kidneys and an elbow to the jaw. The third terrorist prooved tougher opposition. I was half expecting him to pull an AK47 from his turban but he just stood there glued to the stop staring open-mouthed at me. The look of pure unadulterated evil in his eyes chilled me to the bone but I knew I couldn't be deflected from my God-sent mission to rid the streets of this parasite. As luck would have it there were some kitchen knifes to hand so I grabbed the small steak knife and ran screaming towards him. He didn't put up a fight and I soon had him pinned by his hands and feet against a display of margarines and yogurts (3for2 only until next week). Questioning could now begin. I am not trained in the latest CIA interrogation techiques but I knew I had to attempt to get as much information out of him as possible before the rest of his cell appeared. My lack of experience showed and I couldn't get him to deviate from his well-rehearsed alibi even when I started to break his fingers. He claimed he was a Sikh who had never visited Afghanistan, had very little interest in politics and was merely on a shopping trip with his infirm mother and six year old daughter. The callous murdering scumbag refused to admit any knowledge of training camps, sticky bombs, flight plans or any sleeper cell activity in the area. He had the audacity to claim he was a pacifist who made a living teaching children with learning difficulties. My blood was well passed boiling point when armed police arrived on the scene and I was taken to Paddington Green Police station for de-briefing. They put me in a straight jacket and recommended I stay in the cell overnight for security reasons. I have also been charged with three counts of attempted murder and they've set up a meeting with a psychiatrist. They assure me that this is completely standard in cases such as this and I expect my thank you letters from Lionel Bliar and Kate W Bush any day now. The one from The Daily Mail arrived with the first post this morning.

2006-03-30T06:59:00.000Z

A WONDERFUL ANNOUNCEMENT.
I am very proud and honoured to hereby announce my engagement to the actress Jessica Alba. We're hoping to have a relatively short engagement and officially exchange vows sometime in early summer (Jessica's filming commitments permitting) The tentative plan as it stands is for the ceremony to take place somewhere on the Maldive islands. Those present will include the familys of both myself and Jessica and a few hundred invited guests. U2 and Jim Carrey are set to provide the entertainment, there will be an aerial display by The Red Devils and I'm currently negotiating with OK magazine for the exclusive rights. The whole ceremony is likely to cost somewhere in the region of £7million but hey, I'm only planning to marry once and Jessica is a very special girl.
I should point out at this juncture that Ms Alba has yet to officially accept my proposal but I feel so sure of a positive outcome that I have taken the liberty of going ahead with this somewhat premature annoucement. I should also make it clear that I've so far been unable to meet Jessica in person but I have managed to talk to her Hollywood agent who, after a somewhat heated debate, had to concede that Jessica having absolutely no idea who I am is not necessarily a barrier to our love. I have rang her several hundred times every day since but I seem unable to catch her when she's not in a meeting and her P.A is evidently only capable of shouting "Restraining order" and slamming the phone down. I was subsequently left with no alternative but to e-mail my proposal of marriage to the agency and I am currently eagerly awaiting Jessica's acceptance. It's now been 8 months since I sent the e-mail so I'm expecting to hear back any day now. I did mention in this e-mail that if she were to do the unthinkable and turn me down I would chop off one of my toes every week and go on a hunger strike until she accepted. I'm sure she saw this as the romantic gesture it is intended to be and the fact that I have long since dispensed with my toes, fingers and all other appendages and am currently being force-fed through a drip has only strengthened my devotion for the lady who will soon be Mrs Jessica McGuinness.

2006-03-29T16:08:00.000Z

TOMMY TANK
Lord Thomas of Hanksworth once famously quipped "Life is like a box of chocolates". How incisive he was. He led a life crammed full of adventure and incident, thus drawing flattering comparisons to a christmas tin of Quality Street. Unfortunately my life has more similarity to an out of date packet of Maltesers and I always seem to have a very good idea about "What i'm gonna get".

2006-03-27T15:57:00.000Z

CARLISLE.
Dear Sir/Madam,
Domestic violence is abhorrant and revolting. Regrettably I speak from personal experience on the subject. My first husband Roy used to give me a regular shoeing. This sad state of affairs only came to a halt when I hired a Kosovan hit-man called Rueben to have him shot. Luckily he did a first rate job and was very competitively priced. On a different note - have any readers ever been to Carlisle?
Maureen Knottage,
Runcorn

Dear Ms Knottage,
Alas, I have never visited Carlisle. I did, however, duet with Elton John on the smash hit sinlge Don't go breaking my heart in 1976.
Yours,
Kiki Dee
London (probably)

2006-03-24T12:54:00.000Z

DR FOCKS.
I've always been the first to concur with the saying 'Never meet your heroes' - I remember a particularly unpleasant encounter with Professor Stephen Hawking which quickly turned to violence after he called a female acquaintence of mine "A f***ing slag" (He'd been drinking). But last night I was forced to eat my words alongside a large portion of humble pie when I bumped into HeartFM D.J Dr Fox in a working man's club in Romford. He has been an inspiration to me for many years for the way he flies against the wind of convention and his unflinching desire to bring the music of Westlife to the masses. We had a good chin-wag over a bottle of gin and he let me into the latest gossip from the world of celebrity. Apparently Cheryl Tweedy from Girls Aloud believes Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone and Robbie Williams has a phobia about people called Walter. He finished a very enjoyable evening by explaining that, as his name suggests, he is a fully qualified G.P. and the fact that he was cupping my bollocks and asking me to cough was really nothing to worry about.

2006-03-22T10:22:00.000Z

NOT THE EYES GERALD, ANYTHING BUT THE EYES!
Once again I've been turned down by all the major publishers in my attempts to secure a book deal. I sent off the synopsis for my latest book and have had nothing but standard rejection letters in response. It was to be a humourous look at the film industry and include facts that have never been made public. These include facts such as; Darth Vader in the Star Wars films was originally going to be called Jeremy Hollingsworth, the model for The Titanic used in the eponymous 1997 Oscar winner was made entirely of cottage cheese, Elijah Wood had his feet surgically removed in 1992 and that Matt Damon's mother invented the potato.
The publishers seem to doubt the credence of these facts and have accused me of (amongst other things) timewasting. I don't want to stoop to their level and dignify their comments with a response but I have made it clear that if I don't recieve a full and frank apology within the next seven days I will be forced to take legal advice.

P.S - Keira Knightley has never slept in a hammock - FACT.

2006-03-17T07:53:00.000Z

COFFEE WALNUT CAKE HAS FEELINGS TO.
I sometimes feel like a slice of chocolate fudge cake trapped in the body of a man. Ever since I was a little boy I've had the urge to bring people short periods of intense joy followed by feelings of physical sickness and shame. Unfortunately the older I've become the stronger these urges have grown. Only yesterday I found myself stripping completely naked, smearing myself in whipped cream and banging on Pizza Hut's window demanding they let me lie on a dessert plate and encourage customers to indulge in my spongy centre.
I have visited my GP on numerous occasions only to be told that the human to cocoa-based confectionery operation is not available on the NHS and that I need to contact a private doctor. This is blatant cakism and typical of Lionel Blair's so-called government. I know for a fact that similar operations are available in France. I had an in-depth discussion with a slice of bread and butter pudding who told me they used to be a Parisian pig farmer called Jacques and that their operation had been free (Although he did allow the doctor to lick the bowl afterward)
If the government don't address this prejedice soon they will find themselves inundated by subjects like me demanding equality with humans. I have it on good authority that one high ranking member of parliament secretly dresses as a scoop of lemon sorbie ice cream and is regularly spotted at underground clubs frequented by like-minded desserts.
I will soon be starting a petition which I plan to deliver to 10 Downing Street - details to follow.

2006-03-13T14:49:00.000Z

SLAM DUNK DA FUNK! ('DA' ISN'T ACTUALLY A WORD)
I was reading a very interesting interview in one of the sundays with ex Fi5E boyband gimp Richie Neville. It uncluded a polemic about the state of the public health service in this country and hs views on, amongst other things, the conflict in Iraq, the ramifications of America's refusal to sign up to the Kyoto agreement and the sad plight of Aung San Suu Kyi, who is still under house arrest in Burma. He came across as a ferocious and passionate humanitarian who will one day make a truly inspirational leader. He also mentioned that he about to embark on a national tour of commuinity centres and tickets are available at all prices.

2006-03-03T16:26:00.000Z

STAGG, REILLY, ANAN.....
I spent an arduous afternoon yesterday at the offices of ITV2 pitching my latest idea for a primetime reality show on Saturday evenings. Traffic Warden Idol would scour the country holding auditions for the potential Traffic Wardens of tomorrow. The numbers would be whittled down to 52 lucky finalists. One would be chucked off every week until you were left with one overall winner who would win a career as a Traffic Warden on the streets of Carshalton. I'm very pleased to exclusively announce to readers that ITV2 have seen fit to commission 27 series and given me 9 million squid to develop the series. They are currently in discussions with Colin Stagg and Lisa Reilly to present. They are also very excited by my idea for a docu-soap set in a gents public bog employing a voice over by Kofi Anan.

2006-02-25T21:27:00.000Z

DARIUS DANESH IS A C**T.
I would feel it an honour to do time for the murder of Darius Danesh. Other celebritites I would happliy slaughter include - Ronan Keating, Peter Andre, all the members of Westlife, all the members of Blue (particularly Duncan), Gary Neville, Mel Gibson, Abi Titmuss, Jude Law and Usher. I feel Darren Day, on the other hand, only merits a severe and prolonged beating.

P.S - If any readers need a minor celebrity killed or hospitalised then please contact me and I will happily consider your suggestion. My service is free apart from travel costs and other expenses.

2006-02-23T07:52:00.000Z

BOOKS, COVERS ETC
Another old adage I feel is misleading, to say the least, is - 'Never judge a book by its cover'. Upon seeing a copy of Swan by nut-nut and part-time model Naomi Campbell in my local Smiths my first thought was 'What a shit cover'. I have just finished reading the aforementioned book for the second time and, lo and behold, it was shit on both occasions.

Dear Sir,
With reference to your comment above - I have recently completed Being Jordan by Miss Katie Price. I feel I should warn any potential purchasers of this book that the middle eastern country is not mentioned once! Instead the author chooses to highlight the exploits of a large breasted trollop from the Brighton area and marriage to a gentleman dwarf from Australia. It is a case of misleading advertising at its worst. By way of a protest I have cut off three of my fingers on my left hand and sent them to the publishers and I urge fellow readers to do the same thing. This is the only way we can ensure these dishonest practices cannot continue.
Yours,
Douglas Douglas,
Douglas

2006-02-20T14:18:00.000Z

PUNCHING CHILDREN
In my search for meaningful employment I have been attempting to gain some interest (and funding) for my plan to tour primary schools in the home counties enlightening children to the delights of smoking. So far I have bought a flip-chart, some permanent markers and one thousand pounds worth of duty-free fags from a Kosovan on the corner of the Old Kent Road to hand out to the kids as an added incentive. Unfortunately the schools themselves have proved very slow in responding to the fact-sheet I sent out. What does a guy have to do in this country to get a break?

2006-02-08T20:43:00.000Z

GIVE US A CLUE.
I beieive in our democratic right to ask questions of the powers that be and furthermore, to demand answers. That is why I was originally so pleased to learn that I could e-mail Tony Blair with any questions on subjects I felt strongly about. I subsequently asked him-

'If y=k(x5)(X-6), and y=2 when x=8, find the value of k. What is the value of y when x=9?

I sent the e-mail in April 2003 and I've yet to receive a response despite several follow up letters (both to him and my local M.P) and a petition. What do these high-powered world leaders do all day?

2006-01-29T21:15:00.000Z

ISN'T WAR BRILLIANT.
I've just returned from a trip to Basra where I entertained our troops by reading extracts from The complete writings of Anton Chekhov and juggling dead kittens. I'm pleased to report that morale is still high amongst the men and that the locals have made them feel very welcome. One villager I spoke to whose name was probably Abdul or something, said - I feel honoured to have been liberated by such charming and well mannered young men. Ever since my four children were blown up by a cluster bomb and my wife was shot 17 times in the head from close range I've started to feel the pangs of loneliness. Luckily the troops were there to brighten my day. When they noticed I had lost all my warm clothes they were thoughtful enough to burn my whole village to the ground and let me stay tied to a tree close enough to get the benifit of the heat. One soldier I felt particularly drawn to was Private Darren Caplin. He is a 21 year old Scorpio from Dagenham who supports West Ham United. In his spare time he enjoys curry, clubbing and watching ITV2.

2006-01-24T11:42:00.000Z

DOES MY HEAD LOOK BIG IN THIS?
Laughter is not always the best medicine. John Merrick was born with hideous deformities in the 19th century. One gentleman named Bytes was generous enough to invite him to take part in his stage show in the hope that people would gather to laugh uncontrollably at John's huge lumpy head and fat legs. Unfortunately, although lots of people did receive momenteous amounts of pleasure from John's appearance, it made little difference and john's head remained really big until his death. Maybe we should spare a thought for the efforts Mr Bytes made to improve John's plight instead of always giving credit to Sir Anthony Hopkins and Sir John Geilgud.

2006-01-23T19:56:00.000Z

BEANS.
This morning I was preparing a plate of beans on toast when I realised I had mislaid the tin opener. The only option left open to me was to smash the tin repeatedly against my forehead. I am subsequently laid up in hospital with a fractured skull and have been encouraged to seek counselling. Nowhere on the tin was there a warning that this could happen. I feel a strongly worded letter to Heinz coming on.

2006-01-20T14:43:00.000Z

FLYING WITHOUT WINGS (TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE)
Last night I managed to levitate for the first time. The experience only lasted a split second but I managed to rise by about four inches. Unfortunately no one was present to witness the event... but it did happen.

2006-01-12T08:15:00.000Z

BREAD...ALONE.
The famous biblical saying "Man cannot live on bread alone" is so obviously an outrageous lie! I have eaten nothing but 'Mother's Pride White Sliced' for 17 years and I'm fine. My stools tend to lack firmness and I occasionally contemplate suicide but other than that I'm as fit as a fiddle. Perhaps what Jesus meant to say was "Man cannot live on Pringles alone"

2006-01-11T08:47:00.000Z

DREAMER.
With reference to cross-eyed pop midget Gabrielle's song 'Dreams can come true' - two weeks ago I dreamt of Lady Margaret Thatcher buggering Nicholas Witchell with the aid of an 8 inch strap-on cock. To my knowledge this has yet to come true and I fear as Thatch enters the winter of her years the chances are dwindling fast.

2006-01-03T17:59:00.000Z

AMERICANS EH?
I was shocked to read this morning that as from next spring murder is to be made illegal. Is there anything Mr Blair and is cronies won't do in their lustful pursuit of power? Just because America has deemed murder to be in some way distasteful doesn't mean we have to blindly follow suit. Come on Tony - get a mind (and some policies) of your own. You could, for example, ban otters from running their own small businesses or give Leicester back to the Irish.

2006-01-02T22:32:00.000Z

ADOLF HITLER - HE HAD THE RIGHT IDEA
James Blunt sings the lyric "I saw her on the subway. She was with another man. But I won't lose no sleep on that coz I've got a plan. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful it's true". I feel it should be pointed out to Mr Blunt that 'You're beautiful' isn't in fact a plan. It's a statement. If Adolf Hitler had the foresight to follow Mt Blunt's logic he might never with invaded Poland and we wouldn't all be speaking German now.....or something.

2006-01-02T12:12:00.000Z

APOCALYPSE.
While I share the sentiment behind Wizard's festive hit 'I wish it could be Christmas every day' I feel they are duty bound to highlight the consequences were their ideas ever to become law - namely that it would signal the rapid crumbling of western civilization. As Christmas is a public holiday no one would be able to work and all the shops would be shut thus making it impossible to buy any presents with the money you don't possess for, as previously mentioned, you are unemployed.

2005-12-29T03:42:00.000Z

GOATS.
I seem to have a natural affinity with goats. On my last visit to the zoo I had them eating out of the palm of my hands.

2005-12-28T20:38:00.000Z

CAR INSURANCE DRIVING YOU CRAZY!?
Advertising truly is a remarkable thing. And I'm pleased to report that every word they print or say is concrete fact and not manipulative lies attempting to sell you crap you don't need. For example - around six months ago I saw an anti-aging cream advertised in a commercial break amid a particularly gripping episode of Heartbeat. When I started applying the lotion I was an 86 year old Virgo from Manchester called Derek Newton who suffered from mild depression and I am now a 14 year old schoolgirl called Miranda who has just got her first boyfriend (he's called Hamish)
My newfound belief in the power of advertising has galvinised my energies and given me a new sense of belonging. Just today I took out an insurance policy on a car I don't own purely because the rates were so competitive. I have also bought a three peice suite, a new kitchen, a stannah stair lift, a baby's potty, a lava lamp, 'The Hits from the 70's' CD, a KFC bargain bucket and a safari in Kenya. I charged these items to a credit card I took out last month that only charges 11% interest! - all my acquisitions combined only came to approx 11,500 pounds. A humble figure you're agree, considering the happiness these items have bought me. I took a straw poll of children starving in the Sudan who all seemed genuinely flabberghasted by the meagre sum. One child said "Gosh, that it a good deal. I was after a copy of 'The hits of the 70's' myself." She proceeded to ask me to support her family with any financial assistance I could spare. I always find it vulger when people beg for money. I told her I'd bought a white wristband about six months ago and I was sure she'd be seeing the proceeds of that shortly. And anyway, things are it bit tight this month - Visa bill.

2005-12-28T19:30:00.000Z

WELCOME SCUM.
Armadillos can be housebroken.