ISN'T WAR BRILLIANT.
I've just returned from a trip to Basra where I entertained our troops by reading extracts from The complete writings of Anton Chekhov and juggling dead kittens. I'm pleased to report that morale is still high amongst the men and that the locals have made them feel very welcome. One villager I spoke to whose name was probably Abdul or something, said - I feel honoured to have been liberated by such charming and well mannered young men. Ever since my four children were blown up by a cluster bomb and my wife was shot 17 times in the head from close range I've started to feel the pangs of loneliness. Luckily the troops were there to brighten my day. When they noticed I had lost all my warm clothes they were thoughtful enough to burn my whole village to the ground and let me stay tied to a tree close enough to get the benifit of the heat. One soldier I felt particularly drawn to was Private Darren Caplin. He is a 21 year old Scorpio from Dagenham who supports West Ham United. In his spare time he enjoys curry, clubbing and watching ITV2.