COFFEE WALNUT CAKE HAS FEELINGS TO.
I sometimes feel like a slice of chocolate fudge cake trapped in the body of a man. Ever since I was a little boy I've had the urge to bring people short periods of intense joy followed by feelings of physical sickness and shame. Unfortunately the older I've become the stronger these urges have grown. Only yesterday I found myself stripping completely naked, smearing myself in whipped cream and banging on Pizza Hut's window demanding they let me lie on a dessert plate and encourage customers to indulge in my spongy centre.
I have visited my GP on numerous occasions only to be told that the human to cocoa-based confectionery operation is not available on the NHS and that I need to contact a private doctor. This is blatant cakism and typical of Lionel Blair's so-called government. I know for a fact that similar operations are available in France. I had an in-depth discussion with a slice of bread and butter pudding who told me they used to be a Parisian pig farmer called Jacques and that their operation had been free (Although he did allow the doctor to lick the bowl afterward)
If the government don't address this prejedice soon they will find themselves inundated by subjects like me demanding equality with humans. I have it on good authority that one high ranking member of parliament secretly dresses as a scoop of lemon sorbie ice cream and is regularly spotted at underground clubs frequented by like-minded desserts.
I will soon be starting a petition which I plan to deliver to 10 Downing Street - details to follow.