A WONDERFUL ANNOUNCEMENT.
I am very proud and honoured to hereby announce my engagement to the actress Jessica Alba. We're hoping to have a relatively short engagement and officially exchange vows sometime in early summer (Jessica's filming commitments permitting) The tentative plan as it stands is for the ceremony to take place somewhere on the Maldive islands. Those present will include the familys of both myself and Jessica and a few hundred invited guests. U2 and Jim Carrey are set to provide the entertainment, there will be an aerial display by The Red Devils and I'm currently negotiating with OK magazine for the exclusive rights. The whole ceremony is likely to cost somewhere in the region of £7million but hey, I'm only planning to marry once and Jessica is a very special girl.
I should point out at this juncture that Ms Alba has yet to officially accept my proposal but I feel so sure of a positive outcome that I have taken the liberty of going ahead with this somewhat premature annoucement. I should also make it clear that I've so far been unable to meet Jessica in person but I have managed to talk to her Hollywood agent who, after a somewhat heated debate, had to concede that Jessica having absolutely no idea who I am is not necessarily a barrier to our love. I have rang her several hundred times every day since but I seem unable to catch her when she's not in a meeting and her P.A is evidently only capable of shouting "Restraining order" and slamming the phone down. I was subsequently left with no alternative but to e-mail my proposal of marriage to the agency and I am currently eagerly awaiting Jessica's acceptance. It's now been 8 months since I sent the e-mail so I'm expecting to hear back any day now. I did mention in this e-mail that if she were to do the unthinkable and turn me down I would chop off one of my toes every week and go on a hunger strike until she accepted. I'm sure she saw this as the romantic gesture it is intended to be and the fact that I have long since dispensed with my toes, fingers and all other appendages and am currently being force-fed through a drip has only strengthened my devotion for the lady who will soon be Mrs Jessica McGuinness.
I am very proud and honoured to hereby announce my engagement to the actress Jessica Alba. We're hoping to have a relatively short engagement and officially exchange vows sometime in early summer (Jessica's filming commitments permitting) The tentative plan as it stands is for the ceremony to take place somewhere on the Maldive islands. Those present will include the familys of both myself and Jessica and a few hundred invited guests. U2 and Jim Carrey are set to provide the entertainment, there will be an aerial display by The Red Devils and I'm currently negotiating with OK magazine for the exclusive rights. The whole ceremony is likely to cost somewhere in the region of £7million but hey, I'm only planning to marry once and Jessica is a very special girl.
I should point out at this juncture that Ms Alba has yet to officially accept my proposal but I feel so sure of a positive outcome that I have taken the liberty of going ahead with this somewhat premature annoucement. I should also make it clear that I've so far been unable to meet Jessica in person but I have managed to talk to her Hollywood agent who, after a somewhat heated debate, had to concede that Jessica having absolutely no idea who I am is not necessarily a barrier to our love. I have rang her several hundred times every day since but I seem unable to catch her when she's not in a meeting and her P.A is evidently only capable of shouting "Restraining order" and slamming the phone down. I was subsequently left with no alternative but to e-mail my proposal of marriage to the agency and I am currently eagerly awaiting Jessica's acceptance. It's now been 8 months since I sent the e-mail so I'm expecting to hear back any day now. I did mention in this e-mail that if she were to do the unthinkable and turn me down I would chop off one of my toes every week and go on a hunger strike until she accepted. I'm sure she saw this as the romantic gesture it is intended to be and the fact that I have long since dispensed with my toes, fingers and all other appendages and am currently being force-fed through a drip has only strengthened my devotion for the lady who will soon be Mrs Jessica McGuinness.
posted by Mr McGuinness at 6:59 am
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