SATAN IN THE SUPERMARKET.
The Sainsbury's fruit 'n' veg aisle is not a place you would readily expect to come into contact with the agents of pure evil but last night, half way through my bi-weekly shop, I came face to face with a trio of Bin Laden's Al Queada operatives. I was thumbing through the new copy of FHM and ruminating on whether to purchase some chicken dippers when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a vaguely Arabic looking chap with his hand suspiciously delving into the fresh-cut broccoli. It goes without saying that my first instinct was to perform a citizens arrest and I was about to bottle him with a Pinot Grigio when I noticed some Jaffa cakes poking out of his basket. Any fool knows that Jaffa cakes are one of the crucial components used in making crude, home-made explosive devices so I decided to hold fire and follow this monster to see if I could work out his modus operandi and at the same time protect the lives of tens of innocent shoppers. He picked out a particularly bulbous floret (a rudimentary method of signalling to any cohorts in the vacinity) and started striding menacingly towards the fresh fish counter. At this point the full horror of his ungodly plan started unfolding before my eyes. The signal with the broccoli had evidently had the desired effect as he teamed up with his two demonic partners in death. One was dressed as an old woman (complete with Zimmerframe). The other as a small girl and together they formed the personification of the axis of evil. Monster number one started discussing the relative values of haddock with monster number tw0 (In the Islamic dictionary haddock= jihad) I knew I had to act quickly or it would soon descend into another 7/11 situation. With total disregard for my own safety I jumped on the nearest terrorist (the little girl) and smashed her head repeatedly against a glass-fronted fridge containing Chinese ready meals (I know - the irony). This alerted the other two terrorists so I slid across the newly varnished floor and kicked the old woman's Zimmerframe into the air. (For all I knew it could have been booby-trapped) As she started falling I managed to take her out with a rabbit punch to the kidneys and an elbow to the jaw. The third terrorist prooved tougher opposition. I was half expecting him to pull an AK47 from his turban but he just stood there glued to the stop staring open-mouthed at me. The look of pure unadulterated evil in his eyes chilled me to the bone but I knew I couldn't be deflected from my God-sent mission to rid the streets of this parasite. As luck would have it there were some kitchen knifes to hand so I grabbed the small steak knife and ran screaming towards him. He didn't put up a fight and I soon had him pinned by his hands and feet against a display of margarines and yogurts (3for2 only until next week). Questioning could now begin. I am not trained in the latest CIA interrogation techiques but I knew I had to attempt to get as much information out of him as possible before the rest of his cell appeared. My lack of experience showed and I couldn't get him to deviate from his well-rehearsed alibi even when I started to break his fingers. He claimed he was a Sikh who had never visited Afghanistan, had very little interest in politics and was merely on a shopping trip with his infirm mother and six year old daughter. The callous murdering scumbag refused to admit any knowledge of training camps, sticky bombs, flight plans or any sleeper cell activity in the area. He had the audacity to claim he was a pacifist who made a living teaching children with learning difficulties. My blood was well passed boiling point when armed police arrived on the scene and I was taken to Paddington Green Police station for de-briefing. They put me in a straight jacket and recommended I stay in the cell overnight for security reasons. I have also been charged with three counts of attempted murder and they've set up a meeting with a psychiatrist. They assure me that this is completely standard in cases such as this and I expect my thank you letters from Lionel Bliar and Kate W Bush any day now. The one from The Daily Mail arrived with the first post this morning.