ISN'T WAR BRILLIANT.
I've just returned from a trip to Basra where I entertained our troops by reading extracts from The complete writings of Anton Chekhov and juggling dead kittens. I'm pleased to report that morale is still high amongst the men and that the locals have made them feel very welcome. One villager I spoke to whose name was probably Abdul or something, said - I feel honoured to have been liberated by such charming and well mannered young men. Ever since my four children were blown up by a cluster bomb and my wife was shot 17 times in the head from close range I've started to feel the pangs of loneliness. Luckily the troops were there to brighten my day. When they noticed I had lost all my warm clothes they were thoughtful enough to burn my whole village to the ground and let me stay tied to a tree close enough to get the benifit of the heat. One soldier I felt particularly drawn to was Private Darren Caplin. He is a 21 year old Scorpio from Dagenham who supports West Ham United. In his spare time he enjoys curry, clubbing and watching ITV2.

DOES MY HEAD LOOK BIG IN THIS?
Laughter is not always the best medicine. John Merrick was born with hideous deformities in the 19th century. One gentleman named Bytes was generous enough to invite him to take part in his stage show in the hope that people would gather to laugh uncontrollably at John's huge lumpy head and fat legs. Unfortunately, although lots of people did receive momenteous amounts of pleasure from John's appearance, it made little difference and john's head remained really big until his death. Maybe we should spare a thought for the efforts Mr Bytes made to improve John's plight instead of always giving credit to Sir Anthony Hopkins and Sir John Geilgud.

BEANS.
This morning I was preparing a plate of beans on toast when I realised I had mislaid the tin opener. The only option left open to me was to smash the tin repeatedly against my forehead. I am subsequently laid up in hospital with a fractured skull and have been encouraged to seek counselling. Nowhere on the tin was there a warning that this could happen. I feel a strongly worded letter to Heinz coming on.

FLYING WITHOUT WINGS (TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE)
Last night I managed to levitate for the first time. The experience only lasted a split second but I managed to rise by about four inches. Unfortunately no one was present to witness the event... but it did happen.

BREAD...ALONE.
The famous biblical saying "Man cannot live on bread alone" is so obviously an outrageous lie! I have eaten nothing but 'Mother's Pride White Sliced' for 17 years and I'm fine. My stools tend to lack firmness and I occasionally contemplate suicide but other than that I'm as fit as a fiddle. Perhaps what Jesus meant to say was "Man cannot live on Pringles alone"

DREAMER.
With reference to cross-eyed pop midget Gabrielle's song 'Dreams can come true' - two weeks ago I dreamt of Lady Margaret Thatcher buggering Nicholas Witchell with the aid of an 8 inch strap-on cock. To my knowledge this has yet to come true and I fear as Thatch enters the winter of her years the chances are dwindling fast.

AMERICANS EH?
I was shocked to read this morning that as from next spring murder is to be made illegal. Is there anything Mr Blair and is cronies won't do in their lustful pursuit of power? Just because America has deemed murder to be in some way distasteful doesn't mean we have to blindly follow suit. Come on Tony - get a mind (and some policies) of your own. You could, for example, ban otters from running their own small businesses or give Leicester back to the Irish.

ADOLF HITLER - HE HAD THE RIGHT IDEA
James Blunt sings the lyric "I saw her on the subway. She was with another man. But I won't lose no sleep on that coz I've got a plan. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful it's true". I feel it should be pointed out to Mr Blunt that 'You're beautiful' isn't in fact a plan. It's a statement. If Adolf Hitler had the foresight to follow Mt Blunt's logic he might never with invaded Poland and we wouldn't all be speaking German now.....or something.

APOCALYPSE.
While I share the sentiment behind Wizard's festive hit 'I wish it could be Christmas every day' I feel they are duty bound to highlight the consequences were their ideas ever to become law - namely that it would signal the rapid crumbling of western civilization. As Christmas is a public holiday no one would be able to work and all the shops would be shut thus making it impossible to buy any presents with the money you don't possess for, as previously mentioned, you are unemployed.