ACTING 'N' THAT - A RESPONSE
Dear Sir,
I read with much interest your thoughts on the acting profession and believe your readers might be interested in my story. I started out as an actor and, after a couple of lean years where I supplemented my income by guesting in countless hardcore porn films and mugging children, I began to make real progress. I appeared in Juliet Bravo, Yes Prime Minister and toured the north east in a self-penned one-man show entitled Look Mr Bates, It's salmon or nothing. It was a highly satirical restaurant based farce which employed metaphor to convey my feeling of abandonment by Margaret Thatcher and her government. The Middlesborough Bugle was gracious enough to call it "unintentionally hilarious". During these halcyon days there was always a nagging voice telling me that my true vocation was as a highly paid, pampered professional footballer. After a few months of indecision I finally bit the bullet and I'm now pleased to report that I finished 4th highest goal-scorer in the premier league and I enjoy the company of a different tart every night.
Yours Truly,
Marlon Harewood (West Ham United)

P.S - You can few highlights of my previous career in hardcore and slightly nauseating porn films by visiting www.marlonharewoodspreviouscareerinhardcoreandslightlynauseatingpornfilms.com/forwardslash


ACTING 'N' THAT - A RESPONSE - A RESPONSE.

Dear Mr Harewood,
I felt I needed to respond to your uplifting letter (posted above) as it rang so many bells of recognition for me. I too felt a calling to fulfil a long-held ambition. Upon leaving school I had precious little focus and was unsure which exit to take on the motorway of life. After taking valuable advice from many trusted friends and family I was persuaded to take any position available at the local job centre to keep myself busy whilst ruminating to what career to ultimately pursue. Begrudgingly I accepted the vacant position as a Hollywood superstar. The pay was certainly competitve (starting at £5 million a picture) and the perks (including bimbos, lear jets and class A drugs) were tempting to a 16 year old, fresh-faced lad. I managed to hold the job for over a year before the cracks began to show. The final straw came when my last movie failed to break the $10 million barrier on bank holiday weekend. All through this time there was the nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that fate had something more rewarding in store for me. I was being fellated by a 17 year old Candy in my winnabago when my moment of inspiration came - I threw Candy by one side and cried out "WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS PLUMB!" Ever since my small boyhood I've had a fascination with taps and u-bends but I never in my wildest dreams thought it possible that I could actually make a living from unblocking toilets and fleecing pensioners out of their hard-earned life savings. But now all my dreams have become reality and I'm proud to say I own a small plumbing and handyman business in the west Midlands area. I even have my own van and a mobile phone!
Yours
Kevin Lovely,
The west Midlands area.