Monday, April 03, 2006

Up until yesterday I had the highest respect for American gansta rapper 50Pence. I admired his unflinching support for feminist issues and loved the way he was able to wear a handkerchief and sideways pointing baseball cap on his head at the same time without looking like a total prick. When he sang "If you find me in da club, come give me a hug" I never for one moment doubted that he meant it but last night I learnt the terrible truth. I saw him propping up the bar at my local nightclub Twinkles so I made a bee-line for him, gave him a bear-hug, kissed him on the lips and playfully tickled his bollocks. Imagine my surprise and shock when he didn't return my affection but instead got four of his friends to drag me into the back alley and beat me to within an inch of my life. Mr Pence, you are a liar and when I regain the use of my fingers I will be writing you a very stern letter.

Dear Mr McGuinness,
I can only apogolize for the violent and cowardly actions of my associates last night. With the benefit of hindsight I can appreciate it was an extreme over-reaction and for that I am truly sorry. However, please rest assured that the motivation was purely honourable. I was deep in conversation with two of my bitches about the relative values of smoking some motherfucking fool when you jumped on me. My first reaction was that I'd been the latest victim of a drive-by hugging. I subsequently reached for my semi-automatic handgun but, upon realising I'd left it it on my bedside table next to the latest edition of The New Statesman, I was left with no alternative but to accept the generous offer of four of my niggaz to drag you out the back and savagely murder you. Not many men would survive being stabbed 27 times, being hit repeatedly with baseball bats, planks of wood and bricks, being run over 8 times and being thrown off Tower Bridge in a weighted-down bin-bag. You are obviously a very courageous and lucky young man and for that I applaud you. It goes without saying that I will contribute to any medical bills this psychotic assault has incurred (I understand you've lost the feeling in 90 per cent of your body and your head has swollen to the size of a medicine ball - poor you xxx)
In the meantime I would be honoured if you would accept my gift of making your house wheelchair accessible and I enclose a signed copy of my C.D The Massacre.
Happy listening and get well soon.
Peace and love,

Dear Mr Pence,
I accept your heartfelt apology and thank you for your concern. The doctors have assured me that I'll only need to wear the full body cast for a maximum of six months and I'll be allowed to eat solid food within the next fortnight so things are definitely looking up.
I would like to take this opportunity to urge you in the future to monitor your lyrical content as gullible fans like myself tend to misunderstand the messages in hip-hop. I have an aquaintence who is still in maximum security prison after taking N.W.A's suggestion to 'Fuck tha Police' a little too literally. If there had been a warning on the record sleeve that buggering enforcers of the law is illegal then maybe he would still have his liberty.
Yours affectionately,
Andrew McGuinness
P.S - I was touched by the inclusion of the C.D. I've played it five times already - so rich and varied - I love it xx


Blogger n.v. said...


10:45 pm  
Blogger Kieran said...

you really are a genius, innit.

8:21 pm  

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