DARIUS DANESH IS A C**T.
I would feel it an honour to do time for the murder of Darius Danesh. Other celebritites I would happliy slaughter include - Ronan Keating, Peter Andre, all the members of Westlife, all the members of Blue (particularly Duncan), Gary Neville, Mel Gibson, Abi Titmuss, Jude Law and Usher. I feel Darren Day, on the other hand, only merits a severe and prolonged beating.

P.S - If any readers need a minor celebrity killed or hospitalised then please contact me and I will happily consider your suggestion. My service is free apart from travel costs and other expenses.

BOOKS, COVERS ETC
Another old adage I feel is misleading, to say the least, is - 'Never judge a book by its cover'. Upon seeing a copy of Swan by nut-nut and part-time model Naomi Campbell in my local Smiths my first thought was 'What a shit cover'. I have just finished reading the aforementioned book for the second time and, lo and behold, it was shit on both occasions.


Dear Sir,
With reference to your comment above - I have recently completed Being Jordan by Miss Katie Price. I feel I should warn any potential purchasers of this book that the middle eastern country is not mentioned once! Instead the author chooses to highlight the exploits of a large breasted trollop from the Brighton area and marriage to a gentleman dwarf from Australia. It is a case of misleading advertising at its worst. By way of a protest I have cut off three of my fingers on my left hand and sent them to the publishers and I urge fellow readers to do the same thing. This is the only way we can ensure these dishonest practices cannot continue.
Yours,
Douglas Douglas,
Douglas

PUNCHING CHILDREN
In my search for meaningful employment I have been attempting to gain some interest (and funding) for my plan to tour primary schools in the home counties enlightening children to the delights of smoking. So far I have bought a flip-chart, some permanent markers and one thousand pounds worth of duty-free fags from a Kosovan on the corner of the Old Kent Road to hand out to the kids as an added incentive. Unfortunately the schools themselves have proved very slow in responding to the fact-sheet I sent out. What does a guy have to do in this country to get a break?

GIVE US A CLUE.
I beieive in our democratic right to ask questions of the powers that be and furthermore, to demand answers. That is why I was originally so pleased to learn that I could e-mail Tony Blair with any questions on subjects I felt strongly about. I subsequently asked him-

'If y=k(x5)(X-6), and y=2 when x=8, find the value of k. What is the value of y when x=9?


I sent the e-mail in April 2003 and I've yet to receive a response despite several follow up letters (both to him and my local M.P) and a petition. What do these high-powered world leaders do all day?