A WONDERFUL ANNOUNCEMENT.
I am very proud and honoured to hereby announce my engagement to the actress Jessica Alba. We're hoping to have a relatively short engagement and officially exchange vows sometime in early summer (Jessica's filming commitments permitting) The tentative plan as it stands is for the ceremony to take place somewhere on the Maldive islands. Those present will include the familys of both myself and Jessica and a few hundred invited guests. U2 and Jim Carrey are set to provide the entertainment, there will be an aerial display by The Red Devils and I'm currently negotiating with OK magazine for the exclusive rights. The whole ceremony is likely to cost somewhere in the region of £7million but hey, I'm only planning to marry once and Jessica is a very special girl.
I should point out at this juncture that Ms Alba has yet to officially accept my proposal but I feel so sure of a positive outcome that I have taken the liberty of going ahead with this somewhat premature annoucement. I should also make it clear that I've so far been unable to meet Jessica in person but I have managed to talk to her Hollywood agent who, after a somewhat heated debate, had to concede that Jessica having absolutely no idea who I am is not necessarily a barrier to our love. I have rang her several hundred times every day since but I seem unable to catch her when she's not in a meeting and her P.A is evidently only capable of shouting "Restraining order" and slamming the phone down. I was subsequently left with no alternative but to e-mail my proposal of marriage to the agency and I am currently eagerly awaiting Jessica's acceptance. It's now been 8 months since I sent the e-mail so I'm expecting to hear back any day now. I did mention in this e-mail that if she were to do the unthinkable and turn me down I would chop off one of my toes every week and go on a hunger strike until she accepted. I'm sure she saw this as the romantic gesture it is intended to be and the fact that I have long since dispensed with my toes, fingers and all other appendages and am currently being force-fed through a drip has only strengthened my devotion for the lady who will soon be Mrs Jessica McGuinness.

TOMMY TANK
Lord Thomas of Hanksworth once famously quipped "Life is like a box of chocolates". How incisive he was. He led a life crammed full of adventure and incident, thus drawing flattering comparisons to a christmas tin of Quality Street. Unfortunately my life has more similarity to an out of date packet of Maltesers and I always seem to have a very good idea about "What i'm gonna get".

CARLISLE.
Dear Sir/Madam,
Domestic violence is abhorrant and revolting. Regrettably I speak from personal experience on the subject. My first husband Roy used to give me a regular shoeing. This sad state of affairs only came to a halt when I hired a Kosovan hit-man called Rueben to have him shot. Luckily he did a first rate job and was very competitively priced. On a different note - have any readers ever been to Carlisle?
Maureen Knottage,
Runcorn



Dear Ms Knottage,
Alas, I have never visited Carlisle. I did, however, duet with Elton John on the smash hit sinlge Don't go breaking my heart in 1976.
Yours,
Kiki Dee
London (probably)

DR FOCKS.
I've always been the first to concur with the saying 'Never meet your heroes' - I remember a particularly unpleasant encounter with Professor Stephen Hawking which quickly turned to violence after he called a female acquaintence of mine "A f***ing slag" (He'd been drinking). But last night I was forced to eat my words alongside a large portion of humble pie when I bumped into HeartFM D.J Dr Fox in a working man's club in Romford. He has been an inspiration to me for many years for the way he flies against the wind of convention and his unflinching desire to bring the music of Westlife to the masses. We had a good chin-wag over a bottle of gin and he let me into the latest gossip from the world of celebrity. Apparently Cheryl Tweedy from Girls Aloud believes Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone and Robbie Williams has a phobia about people called Walter. He finished a very enjoyable evening by explaining that, as his name suggests, he is a fully qualified G.P. and the fact that he was cupping my bollocks and asking me to cough was really nothing to worry about.

NOT THE EYES GERALD, ANYTHING BUT THE EYES!
Once again I've been turned down by all the major publishers in my attempts to secure a book deal. I sent off the synopsis for my latest book and have had nothing but standard rejection letters in response. It was to be a humourous look at the film industry and include facts that have never been made public. These include facts such as; Darth Vader in the Star Wars films was originally going to be called Jeremy Hollingsworth, the model for The Titanic used in the eponymous 1997 Oscar winner was made entirely of cottage cheese, Elijah Wood had his feet surgically removed in 1992 and that Matt Damon's mother invented the potato.
The publishers seem to doubt the credence of these facts and have accused me of (amongst other things) timewasting. I don't want to stoop to their level and dignify their comments with a response but I have made it clear that if I don't recieve a full and frank apology within the next seven days I will be forced to take legal advice.

P.S - Keira Knightley has never slept in a hammock - FACT.

COFFEE WALNUT CAKE HAS FEELINGS TO.
I sometimes feel like a slice of chocolate fudge cake trapped in the body of a man. Ever since I was a little boy I've had the urge to bring people short periods of intense joy followed by feelings of physical sickness and shame. Unfortunately the older I've become the stronger these urges have grown. Only yesterday I found myself stripping completely naked, smearing myself in whipped cream and banging on Pizza Hut's window demanding they let me lie on a dessert plate and encourage customers to indulge in my spongy centre.
I have visited my GP on numerous occasions only to be told that the human to cocoa-based confectionery operation is not available on the NHS and that I need to contact a private doctor. This is blatant cakism and typical of Lionel Blair's so-called government. I know for a fact that similar operations are available in France. I had an in-depth discussion with a slice of bread and butter pudding who told me they used to be a Parisian pig farmer called Jacques and that their operation had been free (Although he did allow the doctor to lick the bowl afterward)
If the government don't address this prejedice soon they will find themselves inundated by subjects like me demanding equality with humans. I have it on good authority that one high ranking member of parliament secretly dresses as a scoop of lemon sorbie ice cream and is regularly spotted at underground clubs frequented by like-minded desserts.
I will soon be starting a petition which I plan to deliver to 10 Downing Street - details to follow.

SLAM DUNK DA FUNK! ('DA' ISN'T ACTUALLY A WORD)
I was reading a very interesting interview in one of the sundays with ex Fi5E boyband gimp Richie Neville. It uncluded a polemic about the state of the public health service in this country and hs views on, amongst other things, the conflict in Iraq, the ramifications of America's refusal to sign up to the Kyoto agreement and the sad plight of Aung San Suu Kyi, who is still under house arrest in Burma. He came across as a ferocious and passionate humanitarian who will one day make a truly inspirational leader. He also mentioned that he about to embark on a national tour of commuinity centres and tickets are available at all prices.

STAGG, REILLY, ANAN.....
I spent an arduous afternoon yesterday at the offices of ITV2 pitching my latest idea for a primetime reality show on Saturday evenings. Traffic Warden Idol would scour the country holding auditions for the potential Traffic Wardens of tomorrow. The numbers would be whittled down to 52 lucky finalists. One would be chucked off every week until you were left with one overall winner who would win a career as a Traffic Warden on the streets of Carshalton. I'm very pleased to exclusively announce to readers that ITV2 have seen fit to commission 27 series and given me 9 million squid to develop the series. They are currently in discussions with Colin Stagg and Lisa Reilly to present. They are also very excited by my idea for a docu-soap set in a gents public bog employing a voice over by Kofi Anan.